The Top Ten, Fall 2011 Edition
by ATLiens
Summary: Dean Pelton's top-ten most attractive students and faculty features 5 members of a certain study group.  Dean/Abed, Dean/Troy, Dean/Annie, Dean/Britta, Dean/Jeff small moments.
1. Dean's List

**I do not own Community.**

**Top Ten, Fall 2011 Edition**

Dean Pelton was a strange man, as many around his tiny little campus knew; the Dalmatian fetish, the latent bisexuality, the costumes he always wore, the desire he had to see Greendale as a 'real' school, the list of his strange quirks was long. But what was also known was that he was a man who cared; about his school, and every student that attended it. The latter fact was part of the reason that in the time since he had been Dean enrollment had tripled and, quirks and all, he commanded some degree of admiration from most of his students.

Part of this long list of quirks manifest itself in his 'lists'; every semester, he would compile a list of sexually attractive students and faculty so he could monitor their behavior (student-teacher relationships DO happen and they are a magnet for lawsuits).

The first day of the fall semester was just three days away, and after spending the last two weeks going over student bios, as well as screening some new applicants, he was just about done. He was sitting in his tiny office with the light green walls, and outside it was rapidly darkening. No matter; _The Bachelorette_ was on PVR and he would pick up dinner from that nice little Italian takeout place just a few streets from his house. It was in this knowledge that he knew that he could afford to make and painstakingly edit his list, even if it would take him a few hours.

**XXX**

"And...done!" He said as he raised his hands excitedly, before remembering that it was now 9:00 and the halls of Greendale and its offices were totally vacant. He clicked 'Print' on his laptop and the laserjet printer to his right began immediately churning out copies of the Fall 2011 edition of the list. He grabbed the loose sheets when the printer indicated that it was finished the job and tucked them into his brown briefcase, shutting off his desk lamp and leaving the office. It was late and he was hungry, so he'd finish editing the list at home.

**XXX**

With a glass of merlot on the table and a plate stained with the remnants of freshly-finished Chicken Parmigian in front of him on his Pottery Barn apothecary table, he grabbed his briefcase from the side of the couch and opened it, making sure that none of the pages fell out of order.

Part of the excitement of the fall list was that by the time the spring semester rolled around, there was bound to be a lot of shakeup. He would have had a semester to meet and objectively rate the attractiveness of the new students. He read the pages...the top ten was really where it was at; beautiful people tend to pursue other beautiful people, after all, and not since the spring semester of 2006 has anyone outside of the top ten hooked up with someone inside that crucial rubicon. In all reality, the top ten was the only thing that he had to really keep an eye on, to really edit and ensure of its accuracy.

The top ten was largely similar to the 2011 spring edition, and the Dean noticed that of that top ten, half of them (including #1 and #2) were friends; members of Jeff Winger's study group.

He took a sip of wine and closed his eyes. "I suppose that I should go through this..." he said to himself; editing was largely a formality, but as a careful man, he wanted everything to be perfect. He sifted through the pile with his hands, feeling the lightness and crispness of the paper against his skin and stopped after exactly ten pages. When he pulled it out, he saw a familiar face, both to himself and to those around campus; his dark brown eyes that stared without feeling, coal black hair perfectly in place, and coffee-colored skin, swaddled in a hoodie and pencil jeans.

"Mr. Nadir, welcome to the top ten..."


	2. Abed Nadir

**10. Abed Nadir**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Abed Nadir**

**Ethnicity: Arabian**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight* ("You know what? I think I'll put an asterisk next to straight...he and Troy seem a little too buddy-buddy" - CP)**

**Status: Single**

**Age: ?**

**Height: 6'1**

**Weight: 170**

**Eyes: Brown**

**Skin: Brown**

**Hair: Black**

**Waist: 32"**

**Chest: 38"**

**Arm Span: 74"**

**Program: Film Studies**

**Interests: TV, Movies, Music, Cereal, Psychology, Chicken Fingers**

**Medical Conditions: Aesperger's Syndrome**

**Hookups: Courtney, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes (?) **

**Family: Gobi Nadir (Father), Unnamed Mother, Cousin Abrah**

**Noteworthy: He's a great filmmaker who also seems adept at acting. He lives on Campus, and despite his 'condition' he is a very popular student. **

**XXX**

"Uhh, what are you doing Abed?" The Dean asked as he looked up at his desk at Abed, who was pointing a large video camera at his face; if he knew that he was going to be on film today, he wouldn't have worn his least-favorite tie to work...hindsight's 20-20.

"I'm shooting a movie." Abed said in his usual cold and detatched tone.

"Well I can see that, but I didn't give permission for you to put me in it."

"Don't worry, you'll like it. It's a high-school caper and I just need a few reaction shots from you. It'll only take a few minutes."

"Oh, what kind of reaction shots?" Dean Pelton questioned, beginning to become intrigued. Fun fact: _Fast Times at Ridgemont High _is one of the Dean's favorite movies.

"Well, the character I have you playing is the strict but oblivious Principal, mostly an off-screen role. Troy is playing the part of the likable slacker who tries to pull one over on the system...classic _Ferris Bueller_ scenario."

"Oh..." The Dean stiffened his face and put his hand on his chest, "That sounds like a lot of fun, what kind of reactions do you need?"

"Anger."

The Dean scrunched up his nose, narrowed his eyes and balled his fists...

"Cool...now shock..."

The Dean opened his mouth wide and placed his hands on the side of his face.

"Now pick up your phone and shout 'I don't care how much an investigation is going to cost! Mr. Glover will NOT get away with this!' and slam it down."

The Dean followed his instructions to the letter, earning an approving thumbs up from Abed.

"Will there be anything else?" The Dean asked, now fully intrigued.

"Well the Principal isn't a big part, but if you want I have some lines you can run, if you have the time." Abed replied.

"Well sure Abed, this is gonna be fun!"

Abed lowered the camera and engaged the Dean with his eyes; the Dean often found his cold intensity hard to match, but the reaction shots and the chance to be a minor movie star had him too excited to care, "Cool...I'll go get them from my dorm."

Just as Abed turned to leave, the Dean called out to him, causing him to turn around with a start.

"You're a talented filmmaker...Greendale needs to make a new video promoting the school for our website. It pays, but not much." Pelton paused, "Would you like to help out with it?"

Abed tilted his head and looked up for a second, "Sure..."

The Dean's smile couldn't be scrubbed away, "Well that's terrific! We'll talk about it after I read my lines!"

"Cool...cool cool cool..."

**XXX**

The Dean remembers that day; _Mr. Glover, You Ridiculous Man!_ is the third-most uploaded video on the Film Department's website, and the crisp, informative video Abed made for the school was streets ahead of the old, grainy 80's-era one that only made mention of half of the school's programs. Sighing fondly he put Abed's bio page face down and grabbed the next one, seeing as another new face clocked in at #9...


	3. Professor Sean Garrity

**9. Professor Sean Garrity**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Sean Garrity**

**Ethnicity: Scottish**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight**

**Status: Divorced**

**Age: 37**

**Height: 5'9**

**Weight: 175**

**Eyes: Brown**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Black and Grey**

**Waist: 36"**

**Chest: 42.5"**

**Arm Span: 69"**

**Occupation: Associate Professor, Theatre**

**Interests: Conspiracies, Theatre**

**Hookups: None**

**Family: Ex-Wife, William Garrity (Son)**

**Noteworthy: He used to be a student at Greendale who tried to get a free fake credit and got in over his head. He gave me acting lessons as compensation for damaging my car.**

**XXX**

"What in God's name!" The Dean shouted as he slammed his hands on the wheel in response to the sudden jolt that hit the side of his car. He turned and looked back, past the full Whole Foods bags in the backseat of his Prius, and he saw a man get out of a blue Accord and look at the damage. The Dean unlocked the door and stepped out of the car.

"Excuse me, sir!" He said to the slightly taller thirty-something man in the corduroy jacket who was looking at the door, "What did you do to my car!"

The man was looking down at the door still, and when the Dean looked down at it, he gasped and put his hand over his mouth; a dinner-plate sized dent a few inches deep marred the side of the passenger door of his environmentally-friendly car.

"That'll probably buff right out..." The man spoke in a deadpan voice; his voice was actually extremely eloquent and refined, and it somewhat softened the Dean's countenance.

"We should probably exchange information."

"Actually..." The man hesitated, "This cannot go through my insurance; I can't afford to take another hit, I already have five moving violations."

"Well it doesn't have to go through insurance if you were to pay me..."

"Yeah, that might be hard, too..."

"Oh." Dean Pelton, now getting visibly perturbed as he paused and put his hands on his hips, "Maybe I'll just call the cops and they haul you to jail, but neither of us wants that, now do we?"

The man turned to look at the Dean, extending a hand, "Sean Garrity."

"Dean Craig Pelton." The Dean replied as they shook hands.

"Wait...is your first name Dean or Craig?" The man asked, perplexed.

"It's Craig, I'm the Dean at Greendale Community College."

"Oh, no way. I did my Theatre Undergrad there before moving on to UC Boulder to get my Master's."

"You have a background in theatre?" The Dean inquired.

"That's right."

A light went on in the Dean's head at that moment as a potential resolution to the situation presented itself, "If you have no money, I think I know how you can compensate me for the damages...without running it through insurance."

The man narrowed his eyes and regarded the Dean with scrutiny, "...go on."

"I'm having some troubles with my family, they have a hard time coming to grips with my...you know what, it's not important..." The Dean looked for the words in his head, "If you give me acting lessons, I'll cover the repairs and we can put this unpleasantness behind us."

The man barely let the Dean finish before agreeing.

**XXX**

The Dean is a terrible actor, but after six weeks of intense lessons four nights a week, he managed to finally confront his family about his proclivities. After seeing how professional Professor Garrity was and how confident he felt in his newfound acting skill, he offered to hire him on as an associate professor in the theatre department with full tenure.


	4. Quendra with a Qu

**8. Quendra with a 'Qu'**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Quendra Perkins**

**Ethnicity: British-Norwegian**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 25**

**Height: 5'6**

**Weight: 110**

**Eyes: Blue**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Blonde**

**Bust: 33B**

**Waist: 25**

**Hips: 32**

**Program: Anthropology**

**Interests: Spelling things with a 'Qu', Celebrity gossip, Music, **_**Mad Men**_**, Philosophy**

**Hookups: Jeff Winger**

**Noteworthy: She has hooked up with Jeff Winger...lucky girl. She has a strange fascination with spelling things with a 'Qu' that should be spelled with a 'C' or a 'K', for some reason.**

**XXX**

"Okay...Kwen-dra..." The Dean said as he looked at the application form in front of him on his desk, and right back at the cute blonde girl that sat smiling in front of him, "Now that I have this form, I can definitely switch your major from Marketing to Anthropology. This'll be processed by the end of the week."

"Thank you Dean...and it's actually 'Kendra'." She said with a nod of her head, making her curls bounce, "I just spell it with a 'Qu'"

"Well that's...interesting, why exactly?"

"Well, in middle-school, my rival in the student council election was also a Kendra, and I wanted to differentiate myself." She replied, "Her platform was based on the notion of the redundancy of justice as laid out in Plato's _Republic_ that states that a community ruled by philosophically virtuous people will not require justice...while mine encouraged proper action through conditioning of the self to become good...it's kind of a Buddhist thing..."

The Dean really had no idea what she meant since those platforms seemed eerily similar, but he nodded anyways. "I see...have you considered running for the student government? You seem like a very astute young lady, I would think that our little community would benefit from someone of your intellect."

"I spell 'community' with a 'Qu'."

The Dean could only sigh with exasperation.


	5. Troy Barnes

**7. Troy Barnes**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Troy Barnes**

**Nicknames: T-Bone, The T-Bone Steak, Troy 'Buttsoup' Barnes**

**Ethnicity: Trinidadian**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight* (With an asterisk! - CP)**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 21**

**Height: 5'9**

**Weight: 170**

**Eyes: Brown**

**Skin: Black**

**Hair: Black**

**Waist: 34"**

**Chest: 44"**

**Arm Span: 70.5"**

**Program: Modern Dance**

**Interests: Football, Basketball, Girls, Butt Stuff, Dance, Hip Hop**

**Hookups: Abed Nadir (?), Britta Perry, At least half of the Cheerleading squad and as many faceless young women around campus.**

**Family: Unnamed Father, Estranged Mother**

**Noteworthy: Starting Quarterback for the Greendale Human Beings and a frequent star in his best friend Mr. Nadir's films. He also piloted the Greendale Space Simulator, discovered the secret trampoline, made a blanket fort and rigged the fire alarms with paint and saved the school from City College.**

**XXX**

The date was March 23rd, and the location was the Greendale Thunderdome (sans dome)...the seats were packed, the crowd on both sides was wild and liquor flowed freely through the crowd, inciting a potentially-destructive state of mania that just teetered on the brink of happening (alcohol just makes the Dean sleepy...).

The large, brand new (and very expensive) LCD screen that functioned as a scoreboard read _Human Beings: 19, Panthers: 24_, as well as indicating that it was the 4th quarter and there was 31 seconds left on the clock. It was currently the third down. Greendale had possession.

This was HUGE for the Dean; this wasn't just any football game, it was the Division III qualifier. Greendale winning (and therefore moving up from Division IV to Division III) meant big things; exposure, accolades, acknowledgement...and above all of those, more money for the school's fledgling sports program. Sure, they weren't even close to the NCAA, but one of the goals that Craig Pelton set when he took tenure as Dean was to get Greendale into the NCAA; it was a lofty goal, but it certainly wasn't out of reach...was it?

Luckily, the Human Beings held possession, and perhaps with even more luck, they were just thirty-five yards from the Panthers' end-zone. It would seem far, but the Dean's Ace-in-the-hole was in a huddle with his teammates, no doubt feeling the intensity and the sheer magnitude of the moment.

Just as the Dean thought of the magnitude of the moment, he heard a distinct 'Pop Pop!' from a few rows down and the resulting cheers.

**XXX**

"Alright, I know it seems far, and like we have a lot of ground to cover...and we do..." Troy, sweaty, beaten up and tired, addressed his teammates, "Eric...you're the best runner on the team, I want you to sweep left and spread out the defense."

"Dude, I've been getting bashed in all day by that gorilla disguised as a OLT, I don't think I can make another run." The red-headed man responded, tired as sweat dripped from his brow.

"Eric!" Troy barked, taking a page from the Jeff Winger school of inspiration, "I KNOW you can! I wouldn't place my top Running Back in danger if I didn't think we had a shot at this...just trust me, okay? I've watched the defense drift right trying to contain Pavel all night...they'll never see it coming."

Eric looked resigned but accepting, "Alright..."

Troy placed his hand in the middle of the huddle, and one-by-one his teammates followed. When all of their hands were in place, a quick, perfunctory chant of "Human Beings!" followed as they dispersed to their positions.

**XXX**

As the Center hiked the ball back to Troy, the Dean closed his eyes and kept them closed. Where there was silence in the Greendale crowd at first, slowly a chorus of screams and cheers emerged, and he opened his eyes.

The first thing he remembers seeing is the ball leaving Troy's arm like a missile as he was tackled by two defenders. Time seemed to freeze as the ball, in a perfect spiral, flew through the air. #17, who he knew as red-headed Eric (his jersey number is exactly the same as his ranking on the list), broke free of the End and the Linebacker that were covering him and sprinted away, and turned his eyes to the sky and the ball. The entire stadium emitted a shocked gasp in unison as he reached for the heavens as the pass...

In one swift motion, he caught the pass and pulled it in, right at the seven-yard line and shook off the final Safety that tried to take him down. He raised his hand and the ball into the air as he crossed into the end-zone, and the scoreboard changed as the noise of the crowd became a thunderous medley of applause and cheers.

_Human Beings: 25, Panthers: 24, 4th Quarter, 0:09...0:08...0:07...0:06..._

**XXX**

Now the Dean wasn't a huge fan of Football (he preferred Speed Skating, Basketball and...ugh..._Soccer_), but that night, March 23rd, was one of his biggest triumphs; Greendale, now in Division III, was getting exposure and money..._from out of state schools and organizations!_

Even though his relationship with Abed was...well, a little bit strange, Troy was the first person on this list that also occupied a high spot on his companion list; 'Students and Faculty that can be useful to Greendale'. He finished his second glass of wine and went to his spacious granite island to pour a third.


	6. Mariah the Hot Librarian

**6. Mariah the Hot Librarian**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Mariah Masterson**

**Ethnicity: Irish-French**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight**

**Status: In a Relationship**

**Age: 27**

**Height: 5'10**

**Weight: 120**

**Eyes: Brown**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Brown**

**Bust: 34C**

**Waist: 24**

**Hips: 33**

**Occupation: Assistant Librarian**

**Interests: Literature, Men, Dancing, the color Red, Glasses**

**Hookups: Unknown**

**Noteworthy: On Valentine's Day she was rejected by #10 and #7 on the list, which seems odd to me because she holds a higher ranking. Her favorite book is 'The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickelby' by Charles Dickens. She's not really nearsighted; she wears glasses because she says they make her look more 'Librarianish'.**

**XXX**

The bathroom door closed gently behind the Dean, and he turned to his right, taking just a second to take in the hundreds and hundreds of red and pink hearts and streamers that adorned the hallways of his campus; the Decorating Committee (led by Annie Edison) had outdone themselves once again. He walked towards the direction of the music, which was pulsing from the cafeteria.

When he turned the corner, he heard the faint, muffled sobs of a woman's crying. He looked down an adjacent hallway and saw Mariah the Librarian, sobbing into a tissue as she sat on a bench against the wall.

"Mariah, is everything alright?" He asked as he sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him as she continued crying.

"Troy...*_sob_*...he rejected me!" She whimpered.

"Oh I'm sorry dear..." The Dean comforted her, "But if I may ask, why?"

"I don't know!" She finally lifted her head, and the Dean saw that her tears had caused her mascara to slightly run, "Everything was going great! He and Abed both invited me here and gave me a choice between the two of them, and I picked Troy, and Abed was fine with it, and we were dancing and it was going great until I said I chose him because Abed was weird!"

The Dean removed his hand from his shoulder like she was on fire, "Oh, I see what happened."

"You do?"

"You see, Troy and Abed have sort of an...it's a little bit...it's kind of ersatz..." He struggled for the words; he didn't want to say they were gay (because even he didn't know that), "They're extremely close..."

"Well still!" She continued to sob, "I don't have anything against Abed, in fact I found him kind of interesting, but he's just not the type of guy I like...Troy on the other hand..."

"Come on sweetie, you'll be fine." He reassured her.

"You think so?" She finally was able to hold his gaze.

"Mariah...two of the most popular guys at Greendale asked you to the same dance. I think you're good."

She sat straight up and wiped her eyes one more time, grabbing her glasses from the bench beside her. She leaned over to plant a small kiss on the side of his cheek.

"Thank you, Craig..."

The Dean was blushing, "Happy valentine's day, Mariah..."

**XXX**

Mariah the Hot Librarian is now dating a member of the Colorado Rockies.


	7. Dr Rich

**5. Dr. Rich**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Richard Stephenson**

**Ethnicity: British-American**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 35**

**Height: 5'11**

**Weight: 200**

**Eyes: Blue**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Blonde**

**Waist: 34"**

**Chest: 44.5"**

**Arm Span: 72"**

**Program: Undeclared**

**Occupation: Cardiac Surgeon**

**Interests: Medical Science, Pottery, **_**Arrested Development**_**, Acoustic Guitar, Nature, Tribal Art, Baking**

**Hookups: Unknown**

**Family: Unnamed Mother, Deceased Brother**

**Noteworthy: He isn't a full-time student at Greendale, but he's just so scrumptious that I had to put him on the list. He has a Ph.D in Surgery from the University of New Mexico at Albuquerque. My source at City College has confirmed that he has taken Advanced-level pottery classes there.**

**XXX**

Hell was unfolding in the library around the Dean; it would appear that the food that he had purchased for the Halloween party (from the military surplus store) was causing people to turn into...zombies, was it?

He needed to squash this now; if the military got here while people were walking around biting each other, they might think he was a bad dean. He searched the halls for a man he knew was dressed as a banana, finding him talking to Little Red Riding Hood Annie, exchanging laughs and smiles.

"Dr. Rich!" He screamed, just as the man was taking a look at the bite on Starburns' arm, "What's happening!"

"Hey Dean Pelton...whoa, what are you supposed to be?" He asked, giving a top-down look at his costume.

"I'm Lady Gaga...they only had the costume in women's sizes...that's not the point!"

"I'll go get us some supplies, I think there's a first-aid kit just outside the study room." Annie said with a smile, curtsying and turning to walk down the hallway. The Dean and Dr. Rich turned back to Starburns.

"It appears to be a viral pathogen, spread by bite..." Rich noted, taking stock of Starburns' symptoms again, shining a flashlight into his eye, "Symptoms include increased body temperature and aggression, glazing of the eyes and open sores all over the body...but it's like nothing I've ever seen...it had to come from _somewhere_..."

"It might have come from the...military-rations-I-have-been-informed-were-really-an-experimental-germ-warfare-bacteria..." He said that last sentence very quickly, but Rich caught every word.

"Wait, what? Germ Warfare?" Rich asked the Dean, narrowing his eyes. Suddenly, Starburns leaned forward and latched onto Rich's leg, causing both men to scream. The Dean remembers nothing besides turning and running; he had to seal the library until the military arrived.


	8. Britta Perry

**4. Britta Perry**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Britta Perry**

**Ethnicity: Danish-British**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight* (Mr. Hawthorne always calls her a lesbian...and then there was that kiss at the Valentine's Day Dance...It wouldn't shock me at all to find out that Britta had some...'experimental' days in her past. - CP)**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 31**

**Height: 5'3**

**Weight: 105**

**Eyes: Blue**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Blonde**

**Bust: 32B**

**Waist: 24**

**Hips: 33**

**Program: Women's Studies**

**Interests: Protesting, Opinions, Leather Jackets, Aggressive Music, Being Selfless, Men, High-Heeled Boots, Feminism, Knitting, Travel, Cats (the animal not the misucal)**

**Hookups: Vaughan Miller, Jeff Winger, Tall Kyle, Paige the Straight Lesbian, Lukka the War Criminal, Troy Barnes**

**Noteworthy: Britta is very interesting; beautiful but thinks she's ugly, intelligent but thinks she's dumb, ignorant but thinks she's informed. She cheated on Senor Chang's Spanish test and nearly got booted from the school. She also committed a 'prank' which led to a frog being stomped and a cadaver being thrown out the window and told Jeff Winger that she loved him in front of a room full of people at the Tranny Dance. Later, she got into an oil-fight with Annie Edison that broke the school record for fundraisers, helped take down a clique of 'Mean Girls', got Abed to therapy, kissed a girl on Valentine's Day, dated a War Criminal and delviered Shirley Bennett's baby. No one around campus outside of her group seems to like her, frequently telling her she's the 'worst'.**

**XXX**

The Dean jingle-jangled the keyring he held in his hands as he walked down the uncrowded hallway towards the pool area, otherwise known as Borchert Hall.

The light of the sun was rapidly fading, and a look at his conservative Kenneth Cole watch informed him that it was 6:48 PM...the sun usually set around 7:15 in September at Greendale. It was Friday, and he was off to the Airport Ramada for a...secret rendezvous with a potential paramour, and all that he needed was his Dalmatian costume, which was stashed (along with his other costumes) in his secret wardrobe closet.

He walked past the pool and saw Leonard and some aging 'hipsters' doing their aquacize regiments to keep their joints and bones in shape. He waved at Leonard and was greeted with a blown raspberry in kind.

Past the pool he reached a red steel door and by rote found the right key instantly; it was the only square one on his large keyring. He inserted it slowly into the door and turned it to the right, throwing open his 'secret' costume closet.

"Ahhh!" A feminine shriek caused him to briefly cover his ears and avert his eyes. When he turned them in the direction of the scream, he saw an instantly recognizable mass of dense, soft blonde curls and a shocked set of blue eyes.

"Britta!" He asked in shock, "What the...how the...WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?"

Britta was scantily clad in a lacy white set of lingerie, and when she noticed the Dean leering at her body from head to toe, she grabbed the first thing she could; the Dalmatian costume that hung on a hanger to her right and moved to cover her body with it, "Did you know that there's a door behind lockers 27 and 28 in the women's changeroom? That can't be legal..."

"Before this was Borchert Hall it was a regular building in the school..." The Dean confessed, "To save money during construction we hired an inexperienced construction crew...some of their work may have been a little shoddy..." He looked at the costume she was covering herself with and reached out his hand, "If you wouldn't mind..."

Defiantly, she threw the Dalmatian costume and head at him, which he caught in each hand.

"Get rid of that door or I'll tell everyone about this place..." She said.

"I will get rid of the door, Miss Perry..." The Dean negotiated, "As long as I _never_ see you in this room again."

"Deal." The Dean turned and left, pulling the door shut behind him, his costume safe and clean, smelling slightly of cigarettes and Givenchy Ange Ou Demon...but still safe nonetheless.

**XXX**

Britta, still in her skivvies, counted down from twenty in her head before turning to the side, "The coast is clear..."

From between a Carnival Dancer (?) and a Xenomorph costume (?), Jeff poked his head, looking around quickly, "Are you sure."

"Just get out here."

Jeff emerged, himself next-to-nude with only the stripey Beetlejuice shorts covering his privates. Britta smiled at him, and he rushed forward and picked her fragile, pale frame up in his arms, kissing her as he backed her up against a wall of the Dean's costumes. Suddenly, as if they were both tuned to the same time, they stopped kissing.

"It's gone, isn't it?" He asked sheepishly.

"Yeah, it's gone..." She replied with a tone of dejection in her voice, "Figures...we finally find a place to fool around on campus that's far enough from the group, and we almost get busted by your not-so-secret admirer."

"...Shut up."


	9. Sexy Dreadlocks

**3. Sexy Dreadlocks**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Elton Marley**

**Ethnicity: Jamaican**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 29**

**Height: 6'3**

**Weight: 235**

**Eyes: Brown**

**Skin: Brown**

**Hair: Black**

**Waist: 35"**

**Chest: 51.5"**

**Arm Span: 76.5"**

**Program: Art**

**Interests: Reggae, Chicken Fingers, Tight Shirts, Working Out, Football, Art**

**Hookups: Unknown**

**Family: Unknown**

**Noteworthy: He's a DT on the football team, and according to Mr. Nadir, his dreadlocks make him look like the Predator. He is an object of affection for Shirley Bennett...and...others around campus...**

**XXX**

"Well well, what do we have here!" The Dean did his trademark hand-raise as he threw open the door to one of the school's art rooms. He wasn't invited or even requested, but since he spends so much time cooped up in his office, he always took any excuse to get out and mingle with the faculty and students of Greendale. Today's excuse; a student-faculty mixer celebrating the fallen victims of decompression sickness.

"Dean..." Professor Williams greeted him in a monotone drawl from behind rows and rows of easels. "We're doing portraits today, and my students need to focus, if you could come back later that'd be..."

"Oh, portraits, who volunteered?" The Dean asked, walking closer to the professor, who motioned with his eyes to the elevated stage at the front of the room, "Mr. Marley is..."

The Dean turned to face the stage and his eyes dropped, his mouth very soon following suit; he saw a man, of ebony skin and ridiculously perfect muscles, glistening with a gentle layer of water and perspiration that came from the heat of the room and a carefully-applied hit from Williams' blue mister bottle. He was sitting in the classic pose of Rodin's _The Thinker_.

"Craig!" Williams' frustrated voice sounded, bringing the Dean back from his trance, "You've been staring at Mr. Marley for six minutes...there's easels and brushes in the corner, if you aren't going to grab one and start painting, come back later!"

The Dean bolted from the room in flushed embarassment (and arousal) so quickly that his clip-on tie fell off.

**XXX**

So far, Mr. Marley has rebuffed all of the Dean's requests to dress up as a Dalmatian.


	10. Annie Edison

**2. Annie Edison**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Annie Edison**

**Ethnicity: French-Jewish**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight* (She very clearly **_**did**_** try to kiss Ms. Perry on Valentine's. - CP)**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 20**

**Height: 5'2**

**Weight: 95**

**Eyes: Blue**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Brown**

**Bust: 32C**

**Waist: 24**

**Hips: 32**

**Program: Administration**

**Interests: School Work, Helping the School, the **_**Twilight**_** saga, Puppies, Politics, Paintball, Coldplay, Mark Ruffalo, Little Monsters on her Pens, Flowers, Butterflies, Older Men**

**Hookups: Vaughan Miller, Jeff Winger**

**Noteworthy: I really don't know what to make of Annie, probably because she's young and searching so even she doesn't know what to make of herself. She had an Ivy-League level GPA in high school, but ended up here because of an addiction to pills. She's volunteered to help the school in every which way (organizing the STD fair, joining Debate, helping with the school song, throwing a Mexican Halloween party, contributing to the school paper, volunteering for campus security, raising money for the Gulf Coast Oil Spill and staging an Anti-Drug play for at-risk Teens), but she's also shown some questionable ethics (Getting Chang fired, accusing me of Racism, kissing Jeff when she knew two other women were in love with him, sabotaging our Space-Shuttle launch and showing an embarrassing tape of Jeff Winger to win an election). Also, while she seems sweet and kind and modest, those three words are the last ones I'd use to describe both her disposition and her attire during the last paintball game. She lives in a small, squalid studio apartment above Dildopolis, a fact that I know because I ran into her once as I was leaving that store...**

**XXX**

"WHY WOULD PISTOL PATTY DO THIS!" The Dean yelled to no one as he strode through the rapidly deteriorating halls of the school, covered in paint and looking every bit as apocalyptic and ruined as they did last year. Even he himself had been hit by more than a few rounds of paint, a fact which he didn't truly appreciate in full until he passed a cracked mirror a few hallways back.

He was on his way to the school's loudspeaker system to declare the prize as bogus...last year, it took a month and over $25,000 to get the school clean, and it had cut so deeply into his budget that he had to remove five summer courses from the curriculum, in effect disappointing many of his students (or so he had imagined).

He sped his walk to a brisk run, and as he turned a corner, a steel door was thrown open by unseen hands, and he felt himself pulled into one of the science labs. Before he could regain his bearings and see who his assailant was, he heard the telltale 'click' of a hammer being cocked, and turned his eyes towards the direction of the sound.

He instantly recognized the face of Annie Edison, and he may have even superficially recognized the body, but something was different. Annie Edison was a very pretty girl, typically clad in her skirts and sweater sets with her hair pulled back with a smile that can't be washed away on her cheerful face, but today she was different. Her hair fell over her face, which instead of a smile held a determined scowl, and her outfit was the last thing he expected the conservative, straight-laced girl to even own, let-alone wear; an exceptionally tight sleeveless burgundy vest over a floral blouse that repressed a set of breasts that seemed too full for such a tiny girl, and her bottom was barely covered by fishnet nylons and eight-inch denim shorts. She caught him staring.

"My eyes are up here." She said with a menacing tone, tilting the barrel of her revolver upwards.

"Annie...that's a nice look for you." The Dean blushed.

"So I've been told..." She said with confidence and bravado, "I would prefer pants, but I need all the mobility I can get."

"What can I do for you?" He asked, a somewhat lecherous tone taking over his voice. She responded by lowering her gun and firing a single shot into his abdomen, at which he squealed girlishly. When he regained his bearings, she approached him.

"How could you let this happen?" She demanded.

"I had no idea that Pistol Patty would do that at the picnic!" He shrieked, "I mean, what kind of ice cream company DOES this?"

"Maybe next time you'll commence a more thorough background check." She said, deadpan and confident.

"Annie!"

She holstered her gun in pity, "I've been holed up in this science lab for three hours, and I'm getting hungry. I haven't had anything to eat since the free ice cream we got before everything went to hell. You're going to find me something to eat."

The Dean turned on his thinking face and tried to remember, "The only food I know of is the stuff we took in for the food drive...but I can't do that."

"I don't see any other options for you..."

"Annie!" He squealed again, "You really expect me to let you take the food that we've already designated for the homeless? The Fire Chief with the tattoos and the small scar across his forehead would never speak to me again!"

Coolly, she removed her pistol and placed a shot that grazed his temple and stuck to the wall just inches behind his head, before holstering the gun again, "That's not what I expect at all...I expect _you_ to take some of that food and bring it back to me."

"And if I don't?"

"After emptying all of my clips into you, I'll tell Pierce you've been double-billing him for his classes, and then I'll tell Jeff about the Youtube montage you've made of him using your phone and the school's security system...what's that song it's set to called again?"

The Dean dropped his hands to his sides in defeat, "_Gravity_, by Sara Bareilles..."

"Get going..." She pointed towards the window. The Dean walked past her towards it, noticing the tin-can phones she had set up all over campus; as much as he liked confident, badass Annie, he much preferred the repressed, happy girl who couldn't say the word 'penis'.

"And don't try anything funny!" She barked as he exited the window.


	11. Jeff Winger

**1. Jeffrey Winger**

**XXX**

**Birth Name: Jeffrey Tobias Winger**

**Ethnicity: Irish-British**

**Sexual Orientation: Straight**

**Status: Single**

**Age: 33**

**Height: 6'4**

**Weight: 210**

**Eyes: Blue**

**Skin: White**

**Hair: Blonde**

**Waist: 32"**

**Chest: 47"**

**Arm Span: 77"**

**Program: Undeclared**

**Interests: Women, Product, Expensive Clothes, Expensive Cars, Cologne, Guitar, Working Out, Law, Deception, Watches, Leadership, Seizing the Day, Scotch, Argumentation**

**Hookups: Michelle Slater, Chantelle Cahill, Professor Michelle Slater, Amber, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Quendra with a 'QU', Former Secretary Sabrina **

**Family: Doreen Winger (Mother), William Winger (Estranged Father)**

**Noteworthy: And here he is, the sexiest person on campus. His bedhead isn't real bedhead, it's done up by some sort of product and is crispy. Even though he has a somewhat snarky, dismissive attitude towards me...I think he's starting to come around. He is the 'Leader' of a merry band of misfits that study Spanish and Anthropology together. He's at Greendale because he was caught with a fake Law degree and has a prior friendship with Professor Ian Duncan. He represented Britta Perry in her trial for cheating, convinced Troy Barnes to play for the Greendale Human Beings, fought Mike the Bully and his gang of Fly Dancers, stripped naked for a(n a)rousing game of billiards, started a crime syndicate in order to get some chicken, took down a group of immature high-school kids in a 'duh!' fest, won paintball last year, had two women tell him they loved him at the Tranny dance, found the hidden trampoline, ripped apart Study Room F when Annie Edison lost her purple pen, saved the life of Fat Neil in a D&D game, ran for school office and lost and threw a **_**My Dinner with Andre/Pulp Fiction**_** themed birthday party for Mr. Nadir. Even if he doesn't want to be, he is a very active member of the student body.**

**XXX**

Jeff Winger strode into the room, tall, shoulders back and unshakably confident, the way he always walked, like a Siberian Tiger strutting through the taiga, because he knows he's the boss. The Dean was looking over some of the spread that several of the volunteers were planning to lay out for the World Food Festival.

"Excuse me...I'd heard you have some samples of the new Hugo Boss Eau de Toilette?" Jeff asked a young student with shoulder length hair on the other end of the room. The Dean used his small size and stealth to creep up and rub him on that back.

"You sir really have to stop falling for such obvious ploys to get you here..." He smiled and leaned in to take a sniff of Jeff's chest-area, before pulling back...and leaning in once more to catch another whiff of the citrus and tobacco of Mr. Winger's cologne and the musky odor from his body. As always, Jeff tolerated these personal invasions...

"Dean..." He answered, looking past the small man at the various platters that held samples of exotic ethnic foods, "Why don't you tell me why I'm really here."

"Well Jeffrey, the World Food Festival is today, in the parking lot." He answered as they walked size by side, the top of the Dean's bald head barely reaching his shoulder, "Aside from containing international delicacies from seventeen different countries, a certain..._ex-someone_ is going to be there...will you and your study group be attending?"

"We have our Anthropology final, I don't know how late it'll run." Jeff replied back quickly.

"Well I have a small favor to ask you then..." The Dean leaned in and Jeff recoiled back.

"I don't like where this is going..."

"If you could be..._seen_...with me at the festival, it would..." He leaned in and closed his eyes, "Really stick it to the person who deserves to have it stuck to because they took MY CAT AND ALL OF MY ENYA CDs!"

"Hmm...pass..." Jeff said, unfazed and rapid-fire, turning and readying to walk away.

"So did you manage to get in to Female Appreciation and Photography?" The Dean called after him, which caused him to stop.

"That class has a two-year waiting list, I've barely been here two years." Jeff answered slowly; every guy on campus was lined up to take that class; all you did was get handed a camera and get to take pictures of female models (and somehow, Greendale has an inordinate number of girls who could be models). Jeff was at best an 'amateur' photographer of women, but he knew if he got into this class, he could end up sleeping with some of the more beautiful women on campus, and why does Jeff Winger do anything? To sleep with beautiful women.

The Dean walked up behind Jeff silently and placed a piece of white paper in his hands, and Jeff's eyes widened when he saw it; an advanced registration form for Female Appreciation and Photography (course code: FAP...ugh). He turned to the Dean.

"What about student equality?"

"I've slowly began to see that not all students are...equal, Jeffrey." The Dean moved to stroke his chest again.

"As long as there's no touching, hand-holding or labels, you have a deal." Jeff answered with a smile.

"Yay!' The Dean raised his hands and shouted, "Don't show anyone that form."

"Yeah, don't worry..." Jeff stopped to think for a second, before he spoke again, "Oh and can you guarantee me something?"

"Depends what you want..." The Dean replied with a sultry tone in his voice, moving closer to Jeff.

"If I'm gonna be taking pictures of beautiful girls, I don't want Britta or Annie there." He said.

"Jeffrey, they're both in the top ten, it's expected that they be there."

"Well they're my...friends..." Jeff hesitated before, during and after he said 'friends'; were they all _just_ friends? Did he not sleep with Britta last week? Did Annie not seem to admit she had feelings for him more than a few times? "I'm helping you, now you help me."

"I will do what I can, Jeffrey."

He turned and left the room without even responding to the Dean.

**XXX**

"Hey, sorry that the World Food Festival got a little out of hand." Jeff put his hand on the Dean's shoulder. They surveyed the damage; it wasn't 'paintball' bad, but it was pretty bad. Splintered wood and ripped banners were strewn about like cheap debris, and just on the other side of the parking lot, a flipped Ambulance was burning. Aside from that, most of the rioters had dispersed.

"A LITTLE out of hand!" The Dean asked, his tie ripped in half and numerous tears and burns on his shirt, "$30,000 in damages, seven burned cars and three ruined ambulances is MORE than a little out of hand! I was just _trying_ to be a good Dean!"

"Well, even still...I hope it doesn't neutralize our arrangement..." Jeff replied sheepishly.

"I will be needing that form back."

Jeff sighed and removed the form from his pocket. He was about to hand it to the Dean when he heard a slight, mellow voice in front of them.

"Craig..." The man said, and they both turned up; a slight, tiny man with light skin and Abed hair looked at the both of them. Beside him stood a short Asian man that had to be smaller than Chang. They both showed noticeable signs of struggle, with ripped clothes and a few fresh, small cuts on their faces.

"Benjamin..." The Dean replied coolly, "Did you enjoy the festival?"

"I was, until those North Koreans attacked Lee's booth..."

"Yeah, I didn't think putting the North Korean Barbecue next to the South Korean Kimchi display would have caused things to escalate so quickly..."

"You have a habit of not thinking things through..." The small man replied condescendingly. The Dean lowered his face in shame.

Two years at Greendale had changed Jeff. He arrived as a selfish loner who only cared about himself, but his study group had managed to turn him into something resembling a person. He saw how crestfallen the Dean was at his failure, so he stepped forward and extended a hand, "Hi, I'm Jeff..."

**XXX**

To convince Britta and Annie not to show up for FAP, the Dean had to give them a free half-credit in Feminist Media Studies and Healthcare Sciences, respectively. Jeff got an A+ in FAP.


End file.
